A Captain Speaks

Rettmann has given the Captains admininistrative powers!  This means that Andy, Ranvier, Olga and I will, from time to time, post stories, comments, thoughts or any other random factoid.  Today I will be tackling a safety issue that is of great concern to all of us. 

Parked cars have always been a threat to the unaware or wayward runner. However, the threat they represent has alarmingly increased, making it no longer pardonable to ignore the danger any longer. There are two reasons for the increasing danger. The first is that there has been a marked increase in the parked car population in the neighborhoods surrounding Lindbergh. The reasons for this are unknown however, some scientists have suggested, that the recently spiking gas prices could have forced many drivers off the road. The second and more insidious reason for the escalating danger is that parked car behavior has become much more brazen and aggressive.

James Turnbull recently experianced the full fury of a parked car. He is thus useful in illustrating the cunning of a parked car. A parked cars first and perhaps best weapon is its stealth. Unlike its mobile counterpart a parked car has no engine noise. Additionally parked cars have been known to camoflage themselves into their surroundings. Some people, argue that this is merely a rumor. They point out that many cars are painted bright colors. (like yellow) This they say makes it impossible to blend into a black asphalt background. However, this seems to be no hinderance to parked cars. As James related after his accident, "I had no idea it was even there. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t hear it… nothing then smash! It was all over."

In addition to stealth, parked cars also rely on distraction to capture their prey. One of the most common of techniques they use to distract is other peoples shadows. How they are able to do this is unclear. But, what we do know is that James was consumed some say even coerced by an irresistable urge to step on Billys shadows head. Turnbull stomped for 20 meters, each stomp more calculated then the last to do cripling damage to Billys shadow. Then suddenly his legs were cut out from under him by the bumper and he crashed head first onto its smirking hood. It is interesting to note that before the impact James had been chanting, "Step on Billys head. Step on Billys head." This could be a tell tail sign of parked car mind control, however that can not be substantiated. To relieve everyones concern over James personal safety, well at least his Mom’s concern, I am pleased to note that he did come out the better of the two with no dents or a bent license plate.

For all their cunning, parked cars, are easy to avoid. This comes from their primary disadvanage… THEY CAN NOT MOVE! This is important to remember because if you have your wits about you and are aware of your surroundings then you have nothing to fear.
Run Safe,
David Rice

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